Dear Answer Dude:
Q: I walk a lot, and rather enjoy it. However, many drivers seem annoyed at my right to use a crosswalk, and frequently flip me off for having the gonads to cross the road while they are trying to shift gears and dial their cell phone. What can I do to make the world a safer place for pedestrians?
A: This is a common problem, and while tempting, violence isn’t the answer. Sure, carrying a Louisville Slugger on your walks and laying a Mark Mcguire size beating on the motoring public is an option. But there are more peaceful ways. What we want to do is change these drivers habits. Here is what you do - Get the license plate number, then search the net until you find an address linked to the plate. Using that address and an anonymous server, order up a bunch of nasty, nasty porn to be delivered to the driver’s house. Any relationship in place will deteriorate. The offensive driver will develop a drug and alcohol problem, lose their job and their home, and move out of you neighbourhood. The streets will be safe once again.
Q: I have some vegetarian friends, and they can be kinda annoying and self righteous. What can I do?
A: Be patient. When the next comet hits, they will be the first to go. If we learned anything from the dinosaurs, it is that fallen comrades are an excellent source of protein. Keep your veggie friends close, and feed them an extra bunch of carrots once in while to ensure yourself an adequate food source in the event of an intergalactic singularity. Eat fast though, as the ensuing ice age will freeze your ass off and you will become oil for whoever comes along a few hundred thousand years later.
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