Like most of us, I spend far more time discussing the weather than I care to, As part of the un-written human social contract, we are obliged to listen to each other ramble, whine, and rant from time to time. There are times when an individual becomes persistent, consistent, and all together too annoying in their monologue. Admittedly, I have been one of them from time to time, and was blissfully unaware of it. In retrospect, I’m certain people let me go on about how the macro economic impact of blue smarties, or what ever beer fueled insanity was at hand, just to see how long I could go. I wish someone had found a way to shut me up.
So, I present to you the concept of the conversation stopper. We’re armed to the teeth with bon mots and introductory lines to get the talk rolling, but how to bring it to an end. If your at a party, you can always excuse yourself to hit the buffet or the bar without seeming too rude. However, what about those times when your on the bus, or trapped in your cubicle? Theatre line up? These are the times we rely on bravado, distraction, and the downright absurd to tame the situation Here are some exampls and suggessted conversation stoppers with a brief explanation.
THE OFFICE:
You co-worker leans into your cubicle, sending your X-men action figures into disarray and begins telling you in detail how this place sucks, why management sucks, and how he oughta be king of the world. Not once, but 3 times a day. here’s what you do.He starts off “y’know what sucks? I’ll tell you what sucks..” This is where you cut him off and say:
” Yeah, I know what sucks. Dragons. Big, leather skinned, fire breathing dragons. Like the ones that swoop into my backyard and burn the damn lawn. Landlord thinks I’m having campfires back there,and won’t listen when I tell him it’s the damn dragons! Dragons definitely suck.”
Now you have the whiner in the palm of your hand, He is stunned. He also thinks you are stark raving mad, but that’s the price you pay. You reeled him in by opening with ‘yeah, I know what sucks.’ He felt validated and listened to. Then you spun him around with the dragons and stunned him into silence by not only changing the subject, but changing the nature of the conversation to something creative and imaginary. Unable to escape his concrete fixation on the situation he is currently in (thinking work management and everything around him except for him, sucks) he can’t compete. Hell, he’s probably not interested in playing any more. Congratulations - you have reclaimed your cubicle. Now straighten up your X-men and get back to work.
THE BUS/THE MALL/ THE LINE-UP:
A complete stranger has just decided you are their confident, and proceeds to tell you about the intimate details of their tragic, tragic life and remarkable inability to be treasured for who they reeeaally are by family, friends and co-workers. The ‘nod and smile’ approach is insufficient in this situation. The polite but un-engaging “mm-hmm, I see.” is not acknowledged as the polite request to shut up and bugger off that it actually is - you need a conversation stopper, and fast.
Here’s how it goes:
You “Sir (or ma’am if appropriate), I think you ought to relax before your elevated blood pressure causes your glass eye to pop out.”
Them ” Glass eye? I don’t have a glass eye…”
You ” Realy? something looks off about your left eye. It doesn’t seem to focus, and the Iris is much bigger than the right. I just assumed…Maybe it’s just a tumour”
Them ” It is?!!? ohmygosohmygodohmygod!!!! I gotta go get this checked out!”
Once again, we have successfully used misdirection, ego, and absurdity to control the situation, and return a sense of order to our environment.
Remember that the keys are creativity,absurdity, and fear. If conceived and executed skillfully, the person will not only leave you alone, but pause to consider their behaviour in general. consider it a public service, or your good deed for the day.
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